Would you like fries with that?

 You know that feeling.  You are craving something.  You just won't be able to function throughout the day unless you can shove 1/4 pounds of mystery meat into your mouth.  Or your coffepot broke this morning and you fear if you don't get caffeine soon you may go on a murderous rampage.  Anyhow, you know what you want and you want it now.  Well, you're in luck!  This is the land of I want it now.  (In fact, I heard a Toys R Us commercial the other day that had children singing "I know what I want and I want it now!"  As a parent, if I ever find the person who came up with that ad campaign, I will hang them from a tree and stone them.)

But I digress......so you pull up to the drive through, order ready, debit card in hand, you can practically hear the Mission Impossible theme music playing in your head as you focus all of your attention on that speaker.  And then you hear this.

"Welcome to McDonald's would you like to try an iced Mocha?"

Wait...what?  I had my order all ready in my head.  Now you have confused me.  I was going to order a small caramel mocha with nonfat milk and a bacon, egg and cheese McGriddle.  He threw me off with that question.  Do I want an Iced Mocha?  Are they on sale?  Is there a reason I should be choosing that particular item from the many available on the menu?  Or is there a reason I should not be choosing a Mocha?  Are they going bad so they're trying to get rid of them really fast?  Maybe it's a conspiracy!  And why would I want iced?  It's 20 degrees outside?  Oh man, now I am so confused. 

I quickly recover my senses and decide, No, just stick with your original order, you should always follow your instincts.  That tricky little McDonald's man might be trying to mess with my mojo, but I am too cunning for him.  I'm not going to fall for that trick.  Last time I was here he asked me if I wanted an Angus Burger when I clearly wanted a fruit and yogurt parfait.  No, I must remain steadfast in my course.  (I'm sure that's what George Bush would tell me to do).  So I say, "No thank you, I will have a Small Caramel Mocha with nonfat milk and a Bacon, Egg and Cheese McGriddle."

Silence.

Perhaps I have confused him.

Perhaps he is conferring with his superior as to what he should do with the unruly customer who refused to order his suggested fare?

Finally, he attempts to read my order back to me.

"So, uh, you wanted a mocha with caramel in it?"

"Yes."

"And did you say whole or nonfat milk?"

"Nonfat"

"And did you want that hot or iced?"

"HOT!!!"  I really am trying to remain patient here but if I don't have caffeine soon, it's going to get ugly.

"And then what sandwich did you want?"

After all that, we finally got it all figured out, (geez you would think we were trying to come up with a cure for cancer) and I made it home with my goodies.  And there was a sausage mcmuffin in the bag.

ARE YOU FRICKIN KIDDING ME?  I hate sausage by the way.

But I do not blame that poor boy at McDonald's.  I blame his superiors.  I blame the ones who sit around and try to think up stupid suggestive selling techniques for their overworked, underpaid comrades.  I worked at Subway in High School.  I get the concept of suggestive selling.  We always had to ask if people wanted double meat with that.  And I have heard many times, "Would you like fries with that?"  But the difference with both of those techniques is.....you wait until AFTER the order is placed to throw out other options!  When you start suggesting it right from the starting gate, you just confuse all concerned.  You confuse the poor customer who starts to question their order.  You confuse the employee who spent all morning memorizing his schpeel and now he has to think about what you just said.  So this is my plea to you franchise management moguls.  KISS.

KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID

And those phone answering schpeels, "Thank you for calling Donut Dynasty where its a great day to be alive and we try hard to save the whales while making you fat, would you like a bakers dozen."

If it takes you fourteen minutes to say hello, I'm probably gonna hang up.