What Not To Do While In The School Parking Lot
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My Daily Rant 3/29/2010
My kids are bus riders. They pretty much always have been. This annoys them to no end. They simply do not understand why I can't drive the 1.4 miles from our house to the school to drop them off and pick them up. I work from home, surely I could do that, right? Well, the short answer is, because if I make them ride the bus (which picks up and drops off right in front of my house) I will be much less likely to spend the rest of my life in prison for murder. And really, staying away from a life sentence or the death penalty is just good parenting, right?
Recently, my daughter was changed from full day to half day kindergarten (long story, and for another rant). So now, I am forced to pick her up from school as there is no bus. And really, compared to the disaster that is the school parking lot at 3:30 pm, it isn't that bad. Comparatively speaking. However, it's all relative. Compared to dying a slow, painful death from malaria, it's not that bad. Compared to a 4 hour root canal, it's not that bad. Yet, today, as I checked off just one more thing on my "To Do List", it took everything in me to avoid that life sentence.
Parents are supposed to be responsible. They are supposed to show their children by example how to make the right decisions, how to follow the rules, and how to obey traffic laws, right? HA! Think again! If you ever wanted a prime example to show your kids of how not to drive, take them to any elementary school parking lot either right before or right after school. Now I would expect this in a High School parking lot filled with novice drivers looking to show off. But I swear parents are worse.
People are frickin morons. With a capital M. I live in a pretty small town. I think there are only 2 or 3 morning kindergarten classes. If you figure about 20-25 kids per class, that's not that many kids being picked up at 11:45. And yes, there is admittedly, somewhat limited parking at the school, but with a little advance planning and some common sense, this task should be able to be accomplished without becoming a giant cluster f*&k.
One would think.
One would be wrong.
So here is my ranting list of things people should not do when they go pick their kids up from school.
Park directly behind another car because all of the other parking spaces are taken
The first time I saw this happen, I thought "Well, there has to be a perfectly good explanation for this. Maybe that lady knows the guy she just blocked in and she's messing with him. Maybe she's stalking him." Um, nope, this frickin lady does this every single day, to a different car. I'm seriously considering taking one of my police friends to school with me one day to see how we can mess with this woman's day. I'm really praying someone else says something to her, because I'm really short, and just a wimp in general, and if I talk smack to her and she retaliates, I'm a little worried I won't have the goods to back it up.
Sit there and honk your horn vehemently to get your child's attention
This has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever witnessed, and yet I still manage to witness it every day. Ok, first of all, there are 40-50 kids milling around outside. How do you expect your particular child to know you are honking at them? Also, how do you expect a 5 year old to know which car is honking? Are you really worried that if you get your lazy ass out of the car, that something bad might happen? Granted, that one crazy lady might block you in, but she's gonna do that anyway. And it's approximately 20 feet from the parking area to the kindergarten doors. If you are really emotionally attached to the extra 20 pounds that have adhered themselves to your ass in the last 5 years, I don't think you have to worry about losing them in that short walk. Seriously? Get out of the frickin car. Good Lord.
Flip a U turn when 14 other cars are leaving the parking lot simultaneously.
If I have to explain to you why this is a bad idea, then you deserve the head on colllision that is about to happen to you. The other driver, however, does not. Did you get your driver's license in a cracker jack box? Seriously?
Stop in the middle of the road to drop your kids off in the morning because you are too lazy to pull into the circle drive that was created for this exact purpose
This one annoys me to no end. News flash: the whole reason they put that crazy little circle drive into the parking lot is so that you can remove yourself from the road and lessen the chances of your precious offspring being struck by oncoming traffic and killed or maimed. Yes, I know, it will take an extra 2 minutes for you to get to work now, because dammit those cars just drive so slowly in the school zones, but if you did this crazy little thing called leaving the house 2 minutes earlier, the laws of physics tell me you will still make it to work on time. How late are ya gonna be when your kid gets mowed down in the street and you have to make that pesky trip to the emergency room?
Parking in a Handicapped spot
Another one that annoys the crap out of me. And I should not have to explain why. If you really don't know why, you just go ahead and send me a private message through the "Contact Sunflowerbucky" link under my photo and I will be glad to enlighten you privately.
Out of all the parents who pick their kids up daily, I swear on all that is holy that I am the only one who will park on the street if the parking spots are taken when I get there. And I have never seen a parent use the crosswalk. And it's not just the trashy coked out guy in the souped up bronco blaring rap music with a swear word in it every two seconds. Actually, that guy seems to follow the traffic laws pretty closely. It's the frickin woman driving the SUV while simultaneously texting on her Blackberry, filing her nails and applying mascara. I really feel sorry for these people's children. You know what they say, stupid is as stupid does.
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SheriSapp - that does not surprise me at all that someone would do that! If everyone would just chilax and not be in such a hurry......thanks for stopping by and reading!
I get to school 50 minutes before they let my grand daughter out 5 days a week and then spend 2 hours with her at Chick-fil-a! Am I great or what????
Good hub.
I am laughing so hard, I spilled my coffee. Ah, the memories you evoke.
Well, that was Bucken funneee. Ain't life grand, that'll teach all you all not to buy rubbers in the gas station bathroom, heck when I was a kid I thought they were gum machines, you could blow one gianormis bubble with one and chew on them for hours. They tasted like crap, but what'd you expect? You bought them in a place where retarded people visited I could tell 'cuz the only thing that wasn't pissed on was the toilet. Oh yeah we were talking about drivers and kids.
In school zones it's mostly women, 'cuz we all know guys are to lazy to ruin a good hang over with delivering the goods to the insanity zone, plus we can't be trusted not to send a 6 year old to high school. In California if you look around you can spot a couple registered pedophiles, they got there early and are parked up front the cars not moving but it's bouncing up and down like it's on a dirt road and the drivers got a freaky smile where the bullet holes are supposed to be. Then there is the 16 year olds that gotta do the chore so they can get the car for the day, they got on sunglasses with a big plastic nose and mustache attached, everybody still knows who they are they slide in sideways and sack lunches start flying out the windows and kids out the doors that slam shut as they fly out of the exit trying to escape being spotted. Last but not least are the Christians with Jesus stickers and shiny little fish stuck all over their cars and both hands flipping the bird at every one and the cussing echoing out the windows sounds like a platoon of Marines after a mortar goes off at chow time.
Great hub!
NOW do you understand why you are on my lsit of favourites???
What a clever lucid girl you are. You rasied so many smiles with this. Well done! :-)
resspenser: I've heard it said, "If I had known being a grandparent was so fun I'd have skipped having kids"! Sounds like you are enjoying it!
breakfastpop: meet me at the bar and I'll buy ya another coffee to replace the one you spilled! Glad you enjoyed!
50 Caliber: You crack me up! Your description of the Christians flipping people off had me on the floor. It would be even funnier if it weren't so very true!
De Greek: I imagine some would argue with you about my lucidity but I'm flattered to be on your list of favorites!
I can see why you dread that experience every day. Glad you're able to see the humor in it. Why are these people in such a hurry? Maybe you can think about that next time you're waiting, and treat us to another funny rant.
Funny
Sheila: I'm not sure why people are in such a hurry in general. It seems like the guy who cuts everyone off to get in front usually ends up at the same red light as the rest of us. Relax, enjoy the ride! Thanks for stopping by and enjoying my weird sense of humor!
Francine: Thanks for stopping by and glad you liked!
Yep. I hear your frustration! Then people go and wonder where their kids pick up such bad habits!
Terrific rant Bucky. One of my pet topics at the bar; The Idiocy of The Educational Society.
One "Pick up" issue in particular that you may have missed (and perhaps only because this doesn’t happen at your kids’ school) is the teachers that pretend to be traffic engineers. I have never seen more convoluted traffic patterns…..ever.
I figure they must all be math and science teachers because simple logic just completely evades them. I am not sure about your state, but here in Florida most of the drivers’ seats are one the left side of the car, indicating that passengers in all likelihood would enter and exit the vehicle from the right.
Now here typically the traffic patterns along our beautiful roadways kinda follow that logic, center yellow line near the driver’s side with the curb and sidewalk on the passenger side. However this time proven method and pattern is not used at schools here in Sunny Fla, apparently there is a curriculum requirement or something that children must enter the traffic lanes, cross in front of your car to access the passenger door which conveniently is opposite the sidewalk, where about seven thousand other kids are waiting to dart across traffic to get into their own parent’s cars.
Go Figure, Teachers…..and they all want a raise……
Great Rant Funny Stuff!
Actually Ready, there is not a teacher or school employee anywhere in sight at Kindergarten pick up. Not sure about after school as I avoid the parking lot at 3:30 like the plague! Glad to see you stopping by again, I was beginning to think you'd dropped off the face of the planet!
Buckster, you are so my kind of humor. I am inspired to pick up the sarcasm pen again, it's the one I keep right next to the whiskey bottle and the car keys. Your rant transported me,...right to my kid's school, where I insist on walking to avoid people who must be doing something besides driving. Rock on little Mama. Little, because you said you're 5' 2", not that you're small-hearted or lack cohones. Although I hope you do, lack them, in a literal sense that is. Wow, I have no excuse, I'm stone sober. Anyhoo, voted up!
There is a phone app that allows you to take a picture of a car illegally parked in a handicapped spot, and the city will send them a fine :) It's called Parking Mobility
SheriSapp Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago
Great hub, thanks for the laugh. I pick my daughter up after school each day, and I usually arrive 10-15 minutes early so I can park alongside the sidewalk she will be approaching on. I try to not get in a rush, because the traffic mess really only last 5-10 minutes. One afternoon, there wasn't an empty place to park, and I observed a parent BACK UP onto the sidewalk (blocking said sidewalk so the kids would be forced to walk in the wet and snowy grass to get around the ass-end of the minivan) in order to be closer to the door for their precious. I just shake my head at the total obliviousness of some folks!!!