The Little Black Box In My Lawnmower

Ya know how when airplanes crash one of the first things you hear about is retrieval of the little black box? The black box, (technically referred to as a Flight Data Recorder “is a device used to record specific aircraft performance parameters. This data is used for accident investigation, as well as for analyzing air safety issues, material degradation and engine performance” (per Wikipedia). I had a thought tonight as I was mowing the lawn. What if my lawnmower had a black box, or a cockpit recorder? I imagine some would find its transcript confusing, while others would probably be highly amused. I imagine this is probably what my poor neighbors are subjected to at least twice a week (or whenever I can no longer see the lines, whichever comes first). So now, for those of you who find it amusing to laugh at the misfortune of others, or for those in my neighborhood wondering what the strange noises coming from my yard are, I will provide you a sample transcript of what might be found on my lawnmower’s little black box.

7:43 PM – female voice “GIRLS! I need you to get out here and pick everything up off the yard!

7:48 PM – female voice “GIRLS! I mean now! Not after Phineas & Ferb!”

7:53 PM – female voice “Stupid frickin sprinkler head. Why would they put one there? Has that always been there? Seriously?”

7:56 PM – engine stops (this is where I empty the bag because I’m such a shrimp I can only do about two rows before I have to do so)

7:57 PM – male voice “You know doll, it’s a whole lot easier to just do it without the bag and rake later.” Female voice “NO! I frickin hate raking. Lawnmowers with bags were invented so I would not have to rake.” Male voice “Yeah but that hoopty piece o’ crap don’t bag for beans.”

7:59 PM – engine restarts

8:02 PM – female voice “Stupid fricking vine! Seriously?”

8:08 PM – female voice “GIRLS!!!!! I just ran over a &*^%&*( fork! Why in God’s name would there be a fork in my freakin yard? ARGHHHHH!!!!!

8:09 PM – pre teen female voice “You really should watch what you’re doing mom. You could get hurt running over forks.”

8:10 PM – engine stops, rapid footsteps are heard, door slams

8:16 PM – engine starts

8:24 PM – female voice singing…loudly and off key “I’d like to check you for ticks”

8:32 PM – engine stops – (bag emptying time)

8:33 PM – female voice “OW!”

8:38 PM – female voice “Out of gas, seriously?” oh yeah……engine stops

8:42 PM – female voice “Girls, I’ll be back in a minute, I have to go get gas for the lawnmower"

9:02 PM – engine starts

9:10 PM – female voice “Frickin tree! Seriously?”

9:12 PM – female voice “OW! Sonofa!”

9:18 PM – engine stops, female voice “GIRLS! Come help me move this damn trampoline!”

9:19-9:23 PM – grunting, cursing and grunting

9:24 PM – engine starts

9:28 PM –female voice “AHHHHH!!!! I just got stung by a bee! Oh my god, the pain! OWWWWWW!! Sonofa! Seriously?”

9:38 PM – engine starts

9:44 PM – male voice “Aren’t you done yet?”

9:45 PM – what sounds like a gunshot…….

Ok, so this might be a slight exaggeration, but probably not. I don’t know. You’d have to ask my neighbors.