Parenting a Pre Teen aka Alien

Dear Parents,

We interrupt your regularly scheduled parenting session to bring you.....adolescence. You may want to grab a stiff drink and a Prozac. During this test, you may experience bouts of hatefulness, ungratefulness, selfishness, and lots of other "nesses" that are none too pretty. That charming little cherub that you brought into this world with hours and hours of mind bending agony is now about to repay the favor with....yep, you guessed it, years and years of more agony. Only this time, it will not be physical pain, but emotional, mental and spiritual. This little being whom at one time thought you hung the moon will now inform you daily that

a. they hate you

b. you are the worst parent....ever

c. you are "totally" ruining their life

d. you just don't understand what it's like to be a kid

e. you are so lame

f. that your "spouse" (once upon a time referred to as "mom" or "dad") is the spawn of Satan

This precious product of creation will now at times shock you with their blatant craziness, mood swings and hormones, at one moment thinking you "rock" and melting your heart with the fact that they feel comfortable enough with you to tell you their deepest, darkest secrets, only in the next moment to decide that you are, indeed the enemy and that they will never even trust you with so much as the password to their computer.

This darling little mini version of yourself will become an endless request for money, rides, food, more money, more food (most of it wasted) and more rides. They will beg you for clothes, and when you surprise them with a fabulous trinket that you spent 48 minutes selecting with the utmost care and precision, will throw it into their fungus growing shell of a closet where it will proceed to slowly rot, whilst they wear one of the 10 seemingly identical "Aero" shirts for the next three months in a row. While you might think that wearing the same thing every day would not take much time and effort, you would be wrong, as it will take approximately 2 hours and 45 minutes each day to prepare this unoriginal "look".

Should you make the gargantuan mistake of asking your offspring to do something as heinous as

a. load the dishwasher

b. make their bed

c. feed the cat

d. flush a toilet after using

they will awe you with their ability to whine, roll their eyes and make you look for your passport in one fell swoop. You will look back on those sleepless nights and hazy days filled with vomit, dirty diapers and crying with a twinge of nostalgia, thinking that at this moment you would gladly take another 7 day stretch with 4 hours sleep in exchange for that precious little smile and that chubby little fist wrapped tightly around your pinky.

You will sit for hours in gale force winds, with hail,rain and snow pelting your back, while you watch your precious child gallavant around a soccer field, only to ask you later why you didn't cheer more loudly and "By the way, I need 25 cupcakes by tomorrow and $15".

Did you grab that drink yet?

I recommend a Lemon Drop Martini. Or shots of tequila.

We will return to your regularly scheduled program in about.....ten years.

We aplogize for the inconvenience. Oh, and don't expect any sympathy from grandma and grandpa. They will just cackle evilly and make some comment about payback.

Happy Mother's Day :)

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