Not So Graceful Aging

Have you seen the commercial for the new ABC sitcom "Cougartown" where Courtney Cox-Arquette pinches the flab under her elbow (all 2 centimeters of it) and says, "What the hell is that?" I love that commercial. The first time I saw it, I laughed my butt off. Today....notsomuch. Because today, I had my first What the hell is that moment. I glanced down at my knuckles and noticed these...bumps under them. Like freaky, weird,old lady, arthritic, wicked witch of the west bumps. And I seriously said out loud to no one in particular, "What the hell are those?" I am 32! I'm too young for weird bumps growing out of my knuckles. And it's not just on one, it's on all 8! (All except my thumbs for those of you wondering if I am missing some knuckles.) I don't even have gray hair yet! And my family is famous for graying early! I really only have two wrinkles, and those are the ones on my forehead that become really pronounced when I am doing my WTF look, or when I am squinting into the sun. Although I really blame these wrinkles on heredity as my mom and sister have the same ones. We're a matched set. But knuckle bumps? This is just too much.

I never really considered myself to be a vain person. Well, I guess if you call someone who wears enough makeup to put Tammy Fay Baker to shame, then I guess I am (just kidding). But I am not one of those people who refuses to go in public without full armament. In fact, I have been known to frequent public places in my jammies on several occasions. And although I make a few dollars here and there from the beauty and anti aging industry (as a very part time Mary Kay consultant), I have never really worried too much about it. In fact, I pretty much make fun of women who are plastic surgery junkies. But I will admit,when I laid eyes on those hideous little bumps, I really saw coffins and headstones flash before my eyes. And then saggy boobs.

So I did what any neurotic thirtysomething with too much time on her hands and a fast internet connection would do. I went to www.webmd.com and clicked on symptom checker. (I have it saved in my favorites. I diagnosed my gallbladder problems months before my doctor! I'm practically an honorary MD!) Well in this case, it proved to be an unhelpful tool. According to the site, my two possible diagnoses are abcess or trauma. Well, I highly doubt I have abcesses on all 8 fingers. And I am pretty sure I would remember that much trauma. Perhaps my husband slammed both of my hands in a car door while I was in an Ambien induced coma? Nah. The thing is, they don't hurt at all. They just look freaky.

So then I go to my trusty Mary Kay Personal Website. http://www.marykay.com/clewis6913/default.aspx (just in case you were wondering). I scour the products to see if they have any Anti Knuckle Bump cream. They have eye cream, line cream, night solution, day solution, acne treatment, you name it, they have it. But no anti knuckle bump cream. Crap. Someone at product management is going to be getting some hate mail.

So then I start thinking, "Well, I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel last week. Maybe it's a bi-product of that?" Who knows. All I know is, I am too freaking young for this! This can't be happening! Am I having a mid life crisis? Does this mean I am only going to live to be 64? I thought 30 was the new 20 and 40 was the new 30 and 50 was....well who are we kidding, 50 is still 50. You can put a pig in a dress but it's still a dress. (No need to send hate mail, I'm just kidding!)

So if I am having a midlife crisis, does this mean I need to go buy a convertible sportscar and sleep with a woman half my age? Well I highly doubt a carseat would fit well in a convertible sportscar and even if I did swing both ways, I am still young enough for a woman...er..girl... half my age to be jailbait. So maybe I'm not so old after all!