How Many Elephants Are In Your Marriage?

A commonly reported (although slightly skewed statistic) in America is that nearly 50% of all marriages will end in divorce. Divorce has become so common place that I think Americans probably put more time, thought and planning into selecting a plasma tv than they do into selecting a spouse. It's really, really easy to get married. $25 and a valid ID and you are good to go. You can do it on your lunch break. Heck, it probably takes less time and paperwork to get married than to buy that TV. And for many, divorce is just as easy. Heck, if it's uncontested, you can get a do-it-yourself divorce with the assistance of legalzoom.com for about $300. I have actually heard of people having second thoughts about their impending marriage and saying things like "Oh well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just get a divorce." Really? Seriously?

I am not one of those people who believe that you absolutely should not get a divorce no matter what. I do not think you will burn in hell if you get a divorce. I believe that if you belong to a church that would kick you out of their "family" for getting a divorce, you should take a good, hard look at whether or not your spiritual family is rooted in hypocrisy. I know a lot of people who in all actuality really should get a divorce. They may think they are fooling the rest of us, but they're not. You've got the ones who "stay together for the kids", the ones who "can't afford to be on their own" and the ones who just flat out would rather be miserable than being alone. I find all of these scenarios to be sad.

Staying together for the kids? You may think you are doing them a favor....let me tell you something. You aren't. You may think you're really good about hiding the snarky comments, dirty looks, and tension you could cut with a knife from their innocent little brains, but kids are not stupid, and they are much more intuitive than most people think. What you are really teaching them is that

a. it's ok to treat the person you are suppose to love the most like crap

b. you should just settle for what you have and no one deserves true happiness

That being said, if a couple with children does find themselves in the unfortunate position of getting a divorce, they need to be adult enough to minimize the trauma to the kids at all costs. This is not impossible, it can be done. But it's up to both parties. Anyway, I could go on and on about these scenarios, but it's not really the main focus of this rant.

My point is, rather than either resigning yourselves to a miserable marriage or divorcing at the first sign of trouble, there are two seemingly simple things that need to happen instead. 

First, choose your spouse carefully. My husband and I preach this to our kids constantly. Choose the wrong person, and it can affect not only your lives, but the lives of your kids. Think all that pre-marriage counseling mumbo jumbo is crap? Really? You can't take one afternoon to make sure you're not making a bad decision that could affect the next 50 years of your life? It's so easy to get caught up in love, lust, infatuation, that we tend to overlook those little things we disagree about. It's good to be a little different right? Well yes, but some of those "little things" can become huge sources of contention, and usually when they do, it's too late. Your child is already 4 years old by the time you discover that your views on discipline are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. Or one of you has squandered thousands of dollars and seriously risked your financial future because it never occurred to you that the finances needed to be handled by BOTH parties.

Second:  Work your marriage.  When times get hard, and they will, work harder.  Try harder.  Try as hard to keep that person as you did to get that person.  Don't think that once you've hooked the fish, you can just set it in the boat and be done.

Probably the two biggest causes of divorce are money problems and infidelity. These are things that need to be addressed long before you say "I do." Addressing them before the nuptials could keep you from having to have that uncomfortable "I can't anymore" conversation.

Money is often cited as one of the top 5 reasons for divorce. More often than not, this is because both partners are not on the same page. In many cases, one person is given the responsibility of handling the money. This in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. In all relationships, each person has strengths and weaknesses. One spouse may be really good at handling money. The other may not. Or both may be horrible, both may be good, but only one has the time to mess with it. Regardless of how you choose to allocate the time management involved here, both parties need to be involved enough to know what's going on. Take it from someone who did this the wrong way for over a decade. It's ok if only one of you actually pays the bills, but both of you need to know where the money is going, and be part of the decision making process. A great resource for new couples starting out, or for couples struggling with this facet of marriage is www.daveramsey.com. Dave has great ideas, programs, etc to help with this.

One of the other main causes of divorce is infidelity. As I mentioned before, I do not believe that people should stay in an unhappy marriage. In my mind, infidelity or abuse are two instances where you shouldn't even have to think about it. However, I also believe that you can't put a marriage on autopilot. You have to WORK AT IT. I know this is a concept that is shocking to many, but I swear on all that is holy it's the truth. With the exception of those few people in this world who are just plain incapable of monogamy, infidelity does not usually occur overnight. And it's not usually the problem in a marriage, but rather a symptom of bigger problems that have been ignored and allowed to fester. I absolutely understand that if your spouse cheats, you may want to, and are certainly entitled to a divorce. Some people choose to move past this and some are able to. That's up to each couple to decide on their own. But what I really want to talk about today is the other elephant in the room. Not the big green one or the big naked one, but the one no one really talks about.

Jealousy is a very common emotion. Absolutely everyone feels jealousy at some point in their lives. It probably started when you were 2 years old and another kid at the park had a cooler toy. And like all things in life, everything is okay in moderation. A little healthy jealousy might inspire someone to do better, be better, etc. But is your jealousy ruining your relationship?

While jealousy can certainly run the gamut in terms of intensity, I want to focus on two extremes: the person who is overly jealous because their significant other has given them reason to be, and the person who has not been given reason to be but is just jealous in nature.

Let's look at the first person. The person whose significant other has cheated on them before, maybe multiple times, yet they chose to try and work past it. I have heard it said, "People don't change. Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't think this is true. I think people can and do change......if they want to. But I also think that if you are continually allowed to have your cake and eat it too, then why in the heck are you going to choose one or the other? You know that old cliche "Fool me once, shame on you...Fool me twice shame on me? Think about it. If you are with someone who is so untrustworthy that you have to question every move, every thought, can't let them out of your sight, is this a relationship or have you become a highly skilled leash wrangler? Is that what you want? To be your spouse's own personal parole officer? Geez, sounds fun to me. Don't you deserve better than that? If someone can't commit to only you, and you aren't interested in an "open relationship" than you both obviously want different things and you need to move on. Another great cliche that I love is "If the grass looks greener on the other side, then you probably need to tend to your side a little more..."

Now let's talk about the other jealous elephant. The one who has been jealous since the day you met. Perhaps this is because he/she has been jilted in the past, but never by you. You understand where it's coming from so you excuse it for a while. You decide that you will devote all your time, energy and love into proving you are NOT that other person, in the hopes that someday, all of your hard work will pay off. But no matter what you do, your every move is questioned, dinner conversation feels like the spanish inquisition, and you eventually find yourself cut off from most friends, and maybe even family members, because it's just easier that way. Your phone and email are ransacked looking for clues to prove your infidelity. You tell this person you love them and they roll their eyes.

I would be willing to bet that everyone reading this either knows someone like this or has been this person at some time in their life. Jealousy can make people do crazy things. Much like divorce, many murders can be blamed on money or jealousy as well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to know what is going on in your spouse's life. If you spouse is overtly secretive, this is a problem. I don't even think there is a problem with your spouse looking at your phone and email. If you have nothing to hide, who cares, right? But when it gets to the point that you are making unfounded accusations constantly, it's only a matter of time before the other person reaches their breaking point. If you or someone you know has a hot jealous streak that turns you into a crazy person, ask yourself, if you are constantly accusing your significant other of cheating, what reason are you giving them not to? Aren't you really just projecting your own insecurity onto them? Why are you so worried they will cheat? Is it because you've been cheated on before? Ok, understood. But you need to be able to separate that person from this person. Or is it because you are insecure with yourself? Do you feel that your spouse is "out of your league" and fear they will find something better than you? Ok, then think of this. Your spouse chose you for a certain reason. There was something about YOU that made them pick you. What was it? Do you still have it? If you want to hold on to someone, do you give them reasons to want to hold on to you? Do you show those great attributes that made him/her fall in love with you in the first place, or once you "snagged" him/her, did you go on autopilot? Now, if this is someone who has a history of cheating, that's one thing, but if not, you really need to stop looking at all the outward influences and threats and look inward. Give them a reason not to cheat. If you hold onto something too hard, it will eventually break.

While marriage and relationships are hard work, it shouldn't be so hard that it's not worth the work. If you are a team, rather than adversaries, you can have a fulfilling and wonderful life together. If you have to spend all of your time monitoring someone, or being monitored, that's not a relationship.