An Insomniac's Nightmare

Sleep has never come easily for me. I remember laying in bed as a little girl and just waiting. Waiting, some more waiting, and yes, a little waiting. This especially seemed to be exacerbated in the summer when I had to go to bed at 8:00....a good two hours before the sun went down. It's excruciating torture to lay in bed as a child while the sun is still up! Perhaps this is why I am a little too lenient with my kids when it comes to bed time. I don't know, all I know is, sleep has never come easily for me.

I never really knew that was abnormal. I just assumed it always took everyone 45 minutes to fall asleep. I absolutely cannot sleep in a car, and medications that knock most people out, such as Tylenol PM, Nyquil, and even Vicodin, have a strange effect on me. They make me feel very drowsy, until I am at that point where I feel I am just about to fall asleep. And then I stay at that threshold for the rest of the night. It's enought to piss off the pope, I tell ya!

It might sound strange, but after the birth of my first child was probably the first time in my life that insomnia no longer plagued me. Of course, my insomnia had not been cured, I had just traded it for sleep deprivation. When you are only getting sleep in two hour blocks at a time, you fall asleep quickly! However, that event in my life also caused me to become a very light sleeper. I am sure that parents of newborns can empathize. You really never fall completely asleep, because you always have one ear and your heart on the sound of your child's breathing. Or you worry that if you fall asleep too deeply, someone will break into your house and steal your child. (That thought had never ocurred to me until the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping.) I was also a single mother, so I didn't really feel like I could fall completely asleep and that even if I didn't hear her, someone else would. Then, there is that first glorious night when your child sleeps through the night. I remember the first time mine did, it was 8 full hours. I woke up feeling so refreshed and relieved. And then, a wave of panic rushed over me as all of the ugly thoughts started running through my head. "Holy crap, she didn't wake up! She must be dead! Or missing!" And you tear into the nursery and wake your peacefully sleeping little cherub just to make sure she is breathing. So, anyway, my baby didn't start consistently sleeping through the night until she was well over one. Once she did and the sleep deprivation was gone, the insomnia very happily moved back in.

People who don't suffer from insomnia don't understand it. My husband has always been perplexed by this condition. I really think he thinks it's all in my head. He will say things like, "You are trying too hard. Just stop thinking about it and go to sleep." That's helpful. Thanks. It is not simply falling alseep that is difficult. Staying asleep proves to be troublesome as well.

I have tried all of the things that books, internet, doctors, grandmothers, etc will tell you. I avoid caffeine after about noon. I go to bed at the same time every night. I try not to exercise or eat late in the evening. I do not read or watch tv in bed. I have tried aromatherapy, warm baths, soft music, white noise, etc. The truth is, in order for me to sleep well, I need it completely quiet, and completely dark. Since I don't live in a cave and have a husband and two kids, as well as a boisterous nocturnal cat....well, you see where I am going with this? I think the best sleep I ever got in my life was in college. I lived by myself in a basement apartment. My bedroom had no windows. It was as dark as the inside of a cow. (I don't actually have knowledge of the inside of a cow, it's just an expression my southern hubby uses, so no need to call PETA!) I rrealize now that if there had been a fire, I would have been trapped in that sleepy little heaven, but it still rocked.

I did use Melatonin for a while. Melatonin is a natural supplement that is already in your body that helps regulate sleep. Some people simply do not have enough, which appears to be the case with me. It actually did work really well, and the best thing was, it was all natural, non habit forming, and did not make you feel groggy or hung over in the morning. However, it only worked for me for about a year.

So I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this would always be this way and there was nothing I could do about it. Then one summer morning, I woke up and started preparing to make a trip to the airport to pick up a visiting family member. I had the most horrendous pain I had ever felt all throughout my legs and arms. It was a very deep muscle pain like nothing else I had ever experienced. I had not worked out, or done anything out of the ordinary the day before, so I was perplexed. The pain got worse as the day went on, until finally, I was near tears and called my doctor.

My doctor first ran some tests to rule out fibromyalgia. That word freaked me out. Then, she did what good doctors do and many doctors do not. She simply talked to me. She put down her pen and her notes, rolled away from the computer, made eye contact, gave me her full, undivided attention, and we talked. I now know, she was getting a thorough patient history. I am not a doctor, but I do remember hearing on Grey's Anatomy that a thorough patient history can sometimes help diagnose correctly. (Yes, I know it's just a show and they aren't real doctors, sheeesh!) What my doctor determined was that I was so completely exhausted from years of insomnia, that my body was basically protesting. It was saying, "Listen here lady. If you don't get some damn sleep, we are going to revolt, and it is going to hurt." She explained that some people are simply wired differently, and that insomnia is a cyclic problem, because you wake up tired after not getting a good night sleep. So you muddle through your day, and your body starts kicking out adrenaline in order to give you the energy you need to power through. By the time you go to bed, you have so much adrenaline built up, that you can't get to sleep, and so the cycle continues. She also said studies had been done on medical students and interns who were working 48 hour shifts. Many of them would suffer from "myalgia" pain from lack of sleep. So my doctor prescribed Ambien. I was reluctant. I figured it would have the same effect on me as every other over the counter sleep aid I had ever tried.

I was wrong. The first night I took it, I figured it would take a while to kick in. So I took one and settled in to watch the news. Within ten minutes, my husband had to literally walk me to bed. I could not walk. The next morning, when I woke up, I realized what it felt like to get a good night's sleep. I had not had one in so long, I didn't even realize how horribly I had been sleeping. While I am a big fan of Ambien, it of course, has it's drawbacks. I have discovered you shoud NEVER take it until you are going directly to sleep. If you plan to be up for a while, and take it, you are at risk of making some strange texts, emails, im's or internet shopping, that you will not remember the next day. There are also some other very strange things that can happen that I will not delve into given the audience I am writing to. TMI.

So I am now trying to get to a point where I don't have to take Ambien all the time. And I think I am getting close. There is just this one little problem. There have been many nights when I have just about drifted off to sleep and this pesky little thing rears its ugly head.

Snoring.

Not mine. My husband's.

ARGH!!!!! I know it is not his fault. He has no more control over his snoring than I have over my insomnia. However, even with that knowledge nestled in my little head. I still feel murderous tendencies when I am at the brink of sleep and it is crashed with "SNORRRRRT". I honestly don't know how he can sleep like that? Doesn't the fact that he is drowning in his own snot make it difficult? Apparently not. We have tried many snoring remedies. The nose strips just pissed him off. Nasal decongestants and saline flushes help, but don't alleviate the problem. I have noticed he does it more when he lies on his back, so I have tried nicely asking him to roll over when he starts snoring. Much like Melatonin, that only works for a while. After the 14th time of your wife waking you up to ask you to roll over, you tend to get a little.....um....grouchy. And I of course have done the shake the bed real hard in the hopes he will wake up and roll over on his own. I have done the oh so famous "SIGH" that all women master by the time they are three. I have not yet tried plugging his nose. Pretty sure that would end disastrously.

So, it looks like I am going to spend the rest of my life addicted to Ambien. Unless that basement apartment is still available....